Rape & Narcissist Abuse Survivor–My story (Part One) Explicit


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I’m here to speak of narcissistic/sexual abuse as it pertains to my own story. This is the first time I have ever shared my story in such great detail to begining to the bitter end. So this will take some time to get out there. Names are changed of course for privacy reasons but every word is true. I doubt I will beable to get the whole story out in this single post but I assure you I will get the whole thing out within time. Perhaps all within today. 

I feel it is finally time for me to open up and share my story in order to begin an even deeper healing process & to reach out to others that have been in similar situations. 

If you have anything negative to say or anything on the contrary to say to me please keep it to your fucking self! You do not know what its like to experience the following story as it is told so do not presume to tell me how I should have handled things or how to handle things now. I am my own person and I will do things according to my own comfort level as I trust my own judgement! 

First I want everyone to know whom have or are dealing with the aftermath of narcissistic abuse or currently are in a relationship with one in whatever way, you’re not alone!

 

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My situation began when I was just 11 years old. And my narcissist was a girl who was a month younger than me.

I had just moved to a new city, state so I was the new girl in the complex, bus, and school. This girl lived in my complex across the street from me. And of course rode the same bus and was assigned to share the bus seat with me & her best friend at the time.

Well I should have paid attention to the first impression of her and never looked back! I was the new girl to be picked on by her & her best friend at the time.

I was a shy girl & the city, state, school I had moved away from I was actually popular but that didn’t stop me from getting my ass beat by a girl who did so whenever she was in a sadistic mood. Literally I wouldn’t even know when the day would come when this girl was going to approach me with an evil smile telling me

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she was gonna beat my ass when we got off the bus.

I was terrorized by this girl for two years. Nothing would stop her. Until she got one of her friends to start a fight with me & I finally lost it and fought back. Which both scared the shit out of me but felt so good to be clawing the fuck out of her face.

Needless to say no one messed with me again after that. I’m convinced that since this moment or some time after is when I probably developed what I have now which is refereed to as “resting bitch face”. lol

But here I was at a new school with new bullies picking on me about the school jacket (from the prior school) I was wearing, my thick eyebrows, and bad haircut—every single day. They would mess with me. I ignored them.

Well one day when my narcissist’s friend didn’t come to school–it was just her & I on the bus–oh my she was a totally different person. She put on a nice face but was annoying as hell. Basically begging for attention or trying to torment me by her wacky-hyper sense of humor and wouldn’t stop touching me, poking me in the ribs, ticking, making weird noises and just being overall obnoxious!

Just all up in my space. But again, I dealt with it.

After time went by my narcissists friend began to befriend me in a more normal sort of way. And we actually became some what friends. Doing science projects with one another. She began coming to my house and my soon to be narcissist was across the street gazing longingly at my house and calling every hour to be nosey.

Annoying.

Fast forward– my narcissists friend eventually moved away & guess who wanted to be my foreal bestie??

You guessed it! I will call my narcissist–Lucy. Lucy was unpopular with the boys, she was acknowledged by the preppy clique however not exactly friends. I was hated by all cliques. I was a person of my own and I was friends with whoever the fuck I wanted to be friends with. And I was very popular with the boys.

Which wasn’t all the time a good thing for me. I started puberty at age seven, got boobs soon after, period at nine. I hated my developed body for a long time. I didn’t know how to deal with it. Until I just embraced it the only way I knew how. Which was to flaunt it when it felt good. I didn’t know any better. And I wasn’t exactly proud. I was always uncomfortable. But I did have a natural sensual/sexual appeal that I was aware of even at age seven but didn’t fully understand it.

My narcissist–Lucy didn’t make things easier. After she pretty much shows up at my house one day & attached herself to me, my mother, and sister as a second family. Fooling my mom into believing her to be some kind of innocent poor put upon picked on girl—not the whole truth. I was picked on far more. Though I wasn’t really keeping score… more an observation…

I couldn’t rid myself of Lucy. I tried everything. Pranks, being bluntly honest about how she needs to back off and let me have other friends. My mom even got onto me for it because she saw Lucy as this whole other person.

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I even tried to tell my mom that Lucy wouldn’t leave me alone. I told her that Lucy & I had experimented sexually but I didn’t like it & I wanted to Stop but Lucy wouldn’t stop. She began touching me anyway, either ignoring my “No’s” and my “stops” or manipulating me into it or bribing me. I tried to tell my mom about this and she didn’t believe me.

This sexual abuse went on well into our early-mid 20s. Slowed down around the time I got married but she still would comment on my looks as if she were giving polite compliments or eyeing my cleavage and pretending to cover it up but truly she wanted me to know she was looking at me.

Back to our childhood–if she wasn’t touching me and telling me how beautiful and hot I was she was telling me how envious she was of my body, how it isn’t fair, that all the boys liked me and not her. She would cry on my shoulder over it and make me feel obligated to lift her moods and practically put myself down in order to make her feel better.

Continuously this would happen until I began to feel like it was my job to be her emotional support when it comes to how she is a victim to unrequited love. She became even worse when we were 14 when she dated a boy for the first time for a few months and he dumped her. She didn’t have sex with him. And it was six months dating at the most & she cried over the break up every day for, literally, at least 5 years and still would frequently bring him up after.

There was a time where I did date this boy a couple years after the break up. Literally for two weeks. Not nice, I admit. But I wasn’t truly concerned with being too nice to her, subconsciously I don’t believe. Even tho I didn’t conciously see it that way. But we made out once, dated for two weeks, and she wouldn’t let me forget that, even though it wasn’t hidden from her, it was asked if it was okay, and I didn’t sleep with him, and he dumped me shortly after, she brought this up to make me feel guilty for YEARS after.

But then she dated a boyfriend of mine shortly after while I was with him and behind my back. And this was supposedly okay. I wasn’t allowed to bring this up because I deserved it.

I accepted it. I agreed that this was reality. 

1f796c8ae306225973b7ae0a4ec46609.jpg{I should mention at some point that Lucy–whenever she couldn’t manipulate or have control over a situation she would chose one of the few tactics that she would pull in order to manipulate the situation. She would either go into full rage mode, breaking things, screaming obscenities, hitting herself, threaten to cut herself, or she would go into panic mode & act frightened claiming to see demons around us, or she would simply act out of her mind silently but the look on her face would say it all—all of these things felt like an act mostly to me. As most of the things she would say or do at any point in time did feel empty but I would always question myself and think that I was wrong & not seeing her correctly. As I trusted my Mother. She was really good at reading people yet she couldn’t see what I knew I did see for sure within Lucy… I knew she was a fake with many people. She would openly talk about it. She would openly tell me that she could only be herself with me. And that I accepted her as she really was. etc. I believe it was those times where she was the most lucid and clear about who she really was with herself. }

As time passed she began to draw out this outline of who we were as people. Basically I was the mean free spirited girl who couldn’t commit & made fun of her, dated her ex, and slept around. I was cold and uncaring. I wasn’t a good friend, etc etc. But she? Oh Lucy was the greatest friend! She was forgiving, caring, compassionate and kind. But a victim of unrequited love because every boy only talked to her in order to get closer to me. And I had to pay for it as she molested me every night she stayed at my house. Fooling my mother into thinking she was so innocent and sweet.

She also confessed to me once that she was in love with me. Never understood what boundaries or needing space meant. Everytime I had another friend at my house she would call like an obsessive boyfriend and stare at my house from across the street.

One time she even lied and told me she knew a boy who wanted to date me. Gave me a letter he wrote me, called me on the phone even. But during the phone call I felt something strange. The voice sounded disguised. And I called her on it. It was her the whole time. Good thing I spotted that early! Lol

I couldn’t rid myself of her! My mom took her in like she was a third daughter! Took her side in every fight. Was blind to her darkside. Lucy was good at being fake. She knew how to manipulate especially adults. Shoot even myself!

For 20 years I had to fight tooth and nail to see and find out the truth of who I really was because she made me believe I was someone horrible and lucky that she was even my friend still!

Yes it’s true I did have alot of issues. I did have a wild streak. I was promiscuous at a young age. I began skipping school also, she did so with me.

She was with me so much so that even during times that I would have sex with my boyfriend she would be there. Whether I agreed to it or not, she would be watching.

This became so ingrained that I began to accept it as normal. I began to stop 20140126-144829resisting the so called friendship and I surrendered to her. I became so lost in her and my own issues that I didn’t know what was real anymore. She would also tell all of our mutual friends & her own friends about our business & all of the “horrible things I did to her” but without explaining what she did or how she would make feel or any of the other side to things. She would only tell a foundation of truth but exxagerate it to her liking & make it seem as if I did certain things for specific reasons or to hurt her. I eventually lost favor from all of our mutual friends. I didn’t have anyone except for her & of course the man I’m married to now by the time the “friendship” ended out of the blue by her own decision which made zero sense but we will get to that later. 

So years passed as I was the bad girl, the bad friend, but somehow sometimes I was wise counsel for her. She looked up to me even at times–or made me feel that way  when she was in a good mood. I felt like I was leading her into certain experiences. Not necessarily bad ones. But like a big sister, sometimes these moments we’re good.

We did have good moments. Some genuine (I thought) moments. Because I had let go of the resistance. And accepted her perspective of me as some awful friend that apparently she couldn’t resist on more than one level.

She continued to make me feel bad for her because of her physical flaws she hated on herself & blamed for not being attractive to the opposite sex. Which wasn’t really true. We all have flaws. The reason boys treated her more like a friend was because she literally was annoying.

She was loud, obnoxious, she was even scared to kiss a boy or be close to them at all. But she was completely comfortable with touching me no matter what I said.

Finally our paths split for a little while at the age of 16. I reunited with my dad and I moved in with him to start a new life because I was getting into alot of trouble. Well it didn’t help me needless to say, I ended up pregnant at 17 and my dad kicked me out for it. So I moved in with my 16 year old boyfriend and his family.

That’s a whole other fucked up story. That I will spare you the details. Abuse, cheating, drugs. I allowed a family member of mine to adopt my son.

I’m not claiming to be the angel nor the perfect person in this story. But that doesn’t mean I wasn’t a victim of abuse on many levels and dealt with it from different people. But I’m not saying I wasn’t troubled nor did I make awesome decisions.

Anyways, i moved back to the area of where Lucy was. I ended up moving in with her & her parents house for a while, a short while. Same story.

Fast forward a few years she finally met a guy & got married. I had met a guy and was engaged. 10 days before the wedding he breaks it off with me by writing a letter to me & he is nowhere to be found.

demi-demi-lovato-disney-faith-fashon-hope-hot-love-model-quotes-sexy-stay-strong-staystrong-tumblr-vevo-warrior-youtube-heart-attak-skyscreaper-Favim.com-791280.jpgI lost my shit. I was hyperventilating & called Lucy and she was there for me but not really. She still even the last time I spoke to her which was 2 years ago thinks she has experienced the most pain when it comes to love or troubled relationships or unrequited love. Not saying its a competition but she acts like I have no idea what its like when she talks about it.

She saw me go through hell with this man. The guy disappeared on me and didn’t speak to me for a month suddenly he is back in my life and we are together for 2 more years with obsessively going back and forth until it became domestically violent.

It was nearly a repeat of the relationship I had when I was 16.

She was then married to an illegal immigrant whom was Mexican. (No offense to illegal immigrants nor Mexicans btw) Suddenly She thought she was hot shit & didn’t need me so much. And she flaunted it! I was nearly suicidal and really needed support and she treated me like I was expecting her to go out & party with me….

She just barely dropped me out of her life. This man attempted to control everything she did. However not everything. Nobody controls her, not completely. She allows the illusion of other people receiving what they want while she gets exactly what she needs from people. Which was money from this man.

In her mind he was good-looking, he was latin, he made good money & that money increased largely well into their marriage that lasted I believe 10 years or more. They are technically still married but separated. That story is very important to mine so I will delve into that later. 

However he fought with her often because she acted like it was a nuisance to clean and cook for him while he worked. She literally bitched to me for hours everyday about how he is so mean to her because he expects this and that of her.

Granted yes he was borderline abusive towards her more so emotionally however she used him, stole from him, lied to him a million times (still was last time i was in contact with her). And he was mean to her about her weight but she was also mean to him. Constantly picking fights with him just as much as he was with her probably more so, just to be rebellious & defending her right to be fucking lazy. Acting like she shouldn’t have to do anything.

But then sometimes I wondered how of what she was saying to was true? And what was she saying about me? She had a really bad habit of talking shit about literally everyone else that was in her life claiming them all to be controlling, abusive, etc towards her, but I was her bestie & she could only be free with me….

Yea right! I’m so sure of that! lol 

And she got me involved again and again and again. Crying showing me minor little baby bruises of him squeezing her wrists and talking about her stories like she’s on Opera. MInd you, I am not belittling abused wives, but seriously you had to be there. She was acting half of that time! I could feel it. I could feel my sympathy or whatever emotion I was willing to give her being sucked right out of me…. desperately even… Truly abused people aren’t like that. I have been abused… I do not want sympathy. That is the last thing I want. If anything I want to be believed… heard. NOthing else. 

I talk about it now with attitude but at the time–I bought it. Mostly. At first. I was trying to be the Supportive friend. The “friend who was mean to her during our childhood and played pranks on her but Lucy was the bigger friend and forgave me because she loves and needs me so much and now that we are adults I went into overdrive trying to show her how much I’ve matured and see her as a true friend now and I vow to never be an asshole again”.

Lol Yes. That’s exactly what I believed. And did so for many many more years.

{Also lets not forgive the one time where I told our MUTUAL friend whom she was dating when we were around 18 years old that she was cheating on him.  She wouldn’t let me hear the END OF IT when it came to this deed. Oh my fucking god! First point the guy was a   MUTUAL friend. Not just her boyfriend. But a guy I talked to frequently at the time. She was cheating on him pretty fucking hardcore. And well he had a suspicion and it wasn’t really that hard to figure it out. But he called me once crying his eyes out sobbing, begging me to tell him if I knew she was cheating on him. What was I supposed to do? Lie to my friend? I’m sorry but no. It would have been a whole other situation if we had not been mutual friends. Or if I decided to go to the guy and tell him on my own accord. But no! He came to me crying begging me to tell him. I couldn’t lie to him. I just couldn’t. And she used to make fun of me for that that I have a hard time lying in general. And she used to think that meant that I dont lie at all. And I think I”m somehow superior or better than people who do lie. NOPE. Wrong again, bitch. I obviously do not like it when people lie. Nobody does. But because my mother was the same way and she drilled it into my head way more than your average parent, I mean this woman couldn’t even lie to me about Santa Clause! lol So you see, this made a huge impact on me. So I had a very large conscious. And it led the way many times in my life. Much more than your average person. Does that mean I”ve never lied? No. It means that I hate lying to people. It makes me feel uncomfortable when I do have to do it by means of protecting someone or whatever. Does that mean I’ve never cheated on someone? Nope. Does it mean that I’ve never been a total bitch in my day? No again. But that is how she would make me feel many, many times because of this. I used to confess to my mom on a regular basis about shit I would do behind her back because I couldn’t deal with the regret of hiding something from her. Its very rare. And I think it made Lucy feel regret when she didn’t want to so she had to criticize me for it.}

So then our friendship shifted into being about how poor put upon she was to be in this Uber abusive marriage & I was her wise counselor. I was obligated to listen to her talk about her life while her head is so far up her own ass. Without a thought of myself entering my own mind.

And then…. Her husband raped me.images (1)

By the way our own sexual escapades were on and off at this point. She was more interested in him but whenever she had a thrill seeking moment we would make out.

Back to her husband’s time with me… Well the story goes like this… We were all living with each other at this point because I, most of the time, didn’t have a place to stay. Tho I never used that to make people sorry for me!

Anyways, and one night we all three went out, we were getting along. We got drunk. Well her and I have our sexual history of also sharing the men i was with. So the energy of that naturally comes up in me as I become more intoxicated.

I admittedly end up asking her husband if he thought I was pretty. In front of her. I had been flirting with her also that night. So it wasn’t a shady thing. It was just our weird fucking thing that was normal to me at this point. He says yes. And that was the end of that. I become so drunk I can’t even talk.

She wants to stay out longer because, oh yea, her friend was in town, another female friend. So she ends up staying at the bar, her husband is taking me home. I’m trying to not vomit in the car.

We get to the house, I’m focusing on walking. He is helping. I slept on the couch so he was helping me to the couch &he leans in and kisses me.

I was shocked but not at once. More so trying to not vomit. He tells me he likes the way i kiss because I had my tongue pierced at the time. I say thanks but I’m far too drunk to deal with this at the time. So I lay down. He leaves.

Next morning I wake up because I’m dreaming that my recent ex at the time is grabbing my ass. I open my eyes and realize it’s her husband. Lucy is in the bedroom asleep. Its like 7am. I say, “leave me alone”. I cover back up. He slips his hand under the covers again and does it again. I ignore him.

He let’s out a frustrated sigh and goes back to his bedroom with Lucy.

Later we are all awake. And I’m not even sure what in gonna do about what happened. It’s the weekend. He’s home for the weekends. So I decide that if he let’s this go I will too. If he keeps it up my plan was to tell her the following Monday when he goes back to work.

Well the plans for the day were to go out-of-town to see another old friend of hers about two hours away. I decide to come along. The whole way to the destination he is looking at me through the rear view mirror as I’m sitting in the back.

I felt a mixture of feelings. Yes I was a little flattered. And yes that’s stupid but I was a little bit. But I had no intention on doing anything with him. Was the temptation there? Yes. But I didn’t truly want to. I knew he wanted to have sex with me and I always wanted more than that.

Even tho I have had my wild days…. It wasn’t truly out of the pure fun of it. I was lost and looking for love in all the wrong places.

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I was never proud of my mistakes. Like she has always made me out to seem as so. Or like I don’t care about anything else but myself. Untrue.

Anyways, on the way back from the friend’s house her husband is sitting in the backseat with me because her friend wanted to drive and she’s in front with him.

Her husband is trying to hold my hand and caressing the top of my thigh–stuff like that. I keep quiet. I’m not gonna blurt all this shit out then and there. No way. I’m biding my time. I never thought he would have taken it as far as he did.

I pulled away from his attempts to hold my hand every time except for the last time I let him. He wouldn’t stop.

Anyways, finally the time with the friend is over and it’s back tit he three of us and we are back home. She is in the shower. Her husband and I in the living room.

I get up and get on the computer and put my head phones on. After a min or two he follows me. And began massaging my shoulders. I say to him, “stop it. Please if you’re so horny your wife is naked and in the shower.” He ignores me. He leans in and kisses my neck. I get up and move away from him.

“Please stop it. I’m flattered I am. But this is wrong and it can’t happen. Seriously your wife is dripping wet int he shower go fuck her instead.” I move into the kitchen. I open the fridge bending to get a drink.

He is behind me and begin to pull my pants down aggressively but quietly and rather quickly.

At this point I honestly DONT know what to do. I think to scream or run or go tell her but then I think but where will I go? She isn’t going to believe me. She isn’t going to take my side. She’s going to be jealous and see it as we fucked and not that it’s against my will. Because she did the same thing to me and never saw it as it was against my will.

Even when I told her at some point I did see it (what she did to me) as against my will she was flabbergasted. She said I was over reacting and not denying that I was into girls.

So I kept saying to him quietly “no, please stop. I can’t…” But I froze. I couldn’t move and I couldn’t say anything else. And it happened then and there in the kitchen while she was in the shower. My mind turning dark and numb.

I don’t care what anyone says….
This was rape. And she too also raped me.

And what is coming is even worse.

To be continued.

SAAM

 


(Do not judge me. Your voice that is negative or against me isn’t welcome here.)

Part two is ready & posted. Be warned. Click here.

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Violet MoonShadowz

Recently converted from Hekatean Satanist to a Christian Witch! Currently rebuilding my website in order to explain my story in full! This isn't what 90% of you will assume it to be, I am certain of it!

5 thoughts on “Rape & Narcissist Abuse Survivor–My story (Part One) Explicit

  1. […] I have also decided to share a very personal story of mine in order to reach others whom have experience similar pain but feel alone as well as to start a deeper journey of acceptance & healing when it comes to the abuse I have endured by a narcissistic person that I was in a friendship with for 20 years of my life. Many unsettling things went on in that friendship & I am finally ready to open up to the world and share that story with others. If you have or are going through something similar or abuse of any kind, please know that you are not alone! You can read this post by clicking the following title, but first please know that it is merely Part One, but it will continue! Rape & Narcissist Abuse Survivor–Part One. […]

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