This topic was requested by a dear friend of mine. This essay or article I will call–Ego Traps! So here we go!
As I have stated before I began my spiritual journey on December 24th of 2006. Well, that is when a book of spells fell into my lap & that was the end of it! I was hooked & had to learn more! However I didnt “awaken” to true spiritual experiences with an awareness that can’t really be put into words until I had come to a halt when it came to learning as much as I could about paganism–I still felt as if I was missing something. Even though I was having experiences of the Gods, spirits, Angels, etc at the time I wasn’t truly acknowledging it for what it was nor had I ever truly experienced any of the essential truths that I feel are the spiritual foundation of where all things come from–including creation itself. This began happening spontaneously after I decided to do a guided mediation to open my heart chakra. Literally a week later, my whole life began to change as I began to have full blown experiences of my Higher Self, Oneness, Impersonal Unconditional Love, and the like. All of you whom have experienced this stuff know what I”m talking more. And there was so much more after that! And continues to be more everyday.
I began to experience the literal web of reality, a sort of matrix that connected me with my environment. I literally felt how I could influence everything around me even inanimate objects. I felt how I left an imprint of my energy upon everything around me as well. I felt the largeness, & vastness of my soul or higher self. The most highest part of me. The part of you that is above all & everything. The untouchable, un-taintable, un-corrupted, most purest part of your soul? Yea, I felt that! lol I also felt an overwhelming & profound sense of Oneness. I felt an enormous yet impersonal love for everything & everyone around me. Even the darkest situation, person, or deed that could ever be. I could still see the innocence & beauty of it. I could still understand the purpose for the ugly in the world. I began to see everything as art. As if I could sense a blank canvas behind everything and the objects were painted by a brush. I began to sense energy in a different way, I began to feel the texture of energy, colors of energy, etc. My whole life changed because of this. I even had points where I would go a few months on end with feeling nothing but total & complete bliss & appreciation for everything!
But then those highs were always followed by lows. Which is normally called “The dark night of the soul”. I had many of them. Until I learned the root cause of them. I haven’t seen a dark night in a few years now. At least not on that is filled without purpose, or is filled with nothing but emptiness. The emptiness may happen still but it is few & far between, it also doesn’t last so long. Ive seen far too many things to truly stay in a negative mind frame for long… And its not that I’m even trying to get myself out of the negative. There are times where I wish I could stay!! lol
After living within that crazy, extreme up & down world for a few years, it began to transform into something else. Because each time I would have an “up” time I would see something new. Some sacred knowledge.. that would change me, and stay with me. Even though I knew it would be followed by a “down time”. I began to expect it. So maybe these days I’m so used to it that I don’t even pay attention to it? Who knows? But once you begin to have these experiences… you begin to see not only the world differently but also yourself. You begin to have these profound experiences & revelations about yourself, good & bad. That will make you burst into tears of regret but also joy! I went through the whole spectrum of emotion. And I learned how to let go in the process. I began to learn how to step outside of myself & simply watch my ego do all sorts of things. All sorts of tricks. blackflips, back bends, become attached to this or that, or let go of this or that. Oh it played the game. It then developed into the “spiritual ego”. And it still does its tricks, believe you me! lol
I was never one to truly become lost to my ego during my life. I’ve always been a free-spirit so to speak. Not to say that I was or am perfect. But I was never stuck up about anything. I never believed myself to be self righteous in general. I’ve been nearly homeless many times, have suffered addictions, I spent alot of time before I got married searching for love in all the wrong places. Love always ruled my world. Wanting to feel like I belonged. I was more or less fearless yet I was intimidated by authority so I never seeked help from my own family. So needless to say I”ve seen alot of danger in my life. But I truly wouldn’t change a thing. Not to say I’m encouraging that type of lifestyle in anyone. But simply saying I dont have regrets but there was a time where I was full of them. But during that same time I was completely lost on the topic of who I was.
But on the flipside to things, that isn’t to say I never had ego-centric moments! I am definitely guilty of that! So I definitely know the traps and not soley spiritual traps but Ego traps in general!
But before I continue I must say that shortly after I had those profound spiritual experiences that opened my eyes to the bigger picture & the impersonal underlying love that is in this world & within the purest part of our very souls–I then decided to dive head first into Satanism. Because as I have said before–before I found faith in the Gods of various mythologies–I was drawn to two different paths. Satanism & Non duality. Which ultimately are both more so philosophies than anything. They both also are prone towards having faith in in oneself or seeing the divinity within oneself, they are both (supposed to be) more accepting of the dark side, more accepting of “what is”, human nature, and the like. However, in the essay I wrote about Non duality–I state, that while these two paths have many commonalities the interaction with the world within these two paths are very different.
One is Selfless–the other is Selfish.
And still today I still consider myself a Satanist. I had made many detours & now I am much more whole. As I had also found the faith within myself & the Gods as I always had but wasn’t see clearly. I argued with myself for a long time concerning the faith in the Gods, spirits, and so on. Which is why I began to feel alienated in Satanism as most of them are atheists or agnostic. But then I realized the essence of Satanism is personal experience & independence!
But I digress!
As I moved further & further into Satanism it opened a doorway into my darkside & the corruption of humanity. The arrogance, the ego, and from what I learned from my journey not only studying NOn-duality but from experiencing the Ego as something that became clearer & clearer to me that it was a Tool! Not my actual identity. Now, many satanists would disagree with this. And probably wonder how in the hell do you make these two paths work? Or maybe it makes sense to you all? I don’t know. As I said on some level these two paths so go together very well but then on the flip side they are the exact opposite. And they would probably go against one another. But thats just the thing…
For me? Perhaps at first I did have that very conflict. But we all have that conflict no matter what paths we chose. I just feel that these two paths are the most natural along with paganism or some form of ancient witchcraft or Earth Based religion. These paths are very natural to me. And they each have a core piece of truth that is untainted by corruption. In fact they lead you out of corruption and towards the truth that resides within your own heart.
These two paths showed me that Ego is a tool to be used but it doesn’t mean I need to shun the Ego either. It keeps me balanced. IT showed that too far into either path isn’t good. For I am both the creator & destroyer of my own reality. The Gods do set the stage. As I believe they came first.. but then all else came afterwards then humanity fell on some level, rebelled, and said, “nanny nanny boo boo! Fuck you, I wont do what you tell me. I’m going to be my own God.” So the Gods went into silence. Because they have to respect free will. They can’t even try to go against it unless it isn’t truly going against the will. And sometimes, or many times, humanity doesn’t even know their own will. So that is why sometimes things seem to happen out of our hands.
But the Gods do set the stage. But then we chose.. we are co-creators of this world. And the Gods do not blame us entirely for the corruption as they had a hand to play in all of this. But they are urging us to return to our true nature & I believe all of us can feel this.
I know it seems as though I’ve gone off track here but trust me I haven’t. There are steps to take to get to the heart of the matter, I promise you! lol Anyways, Ego-traps. The ego loves competition, it loves to win, & it obsesses over its failure, some egos love gossip, some Egos think they are better than others because of the most dumbest things, like, washing dishes for example, an ego who is obsessed with cleaning will look down on another because they are sloppy, A spiritual ego will tend to look down on someone whom isn’t spiritual in their eyes, a christian ego, does the same thing.
All Egos, it doesn’t even have to be about religion or spirituality can be this way because the Ego likes competition. The Ego is extremely flawed. The Ego believes in separation & is a fanatic about its rebellion, its intellect, its facts, its knowledge, or how active the Ego believes its body to be. The Ego can become out of whack over ANYTHING.
This shows how unevolved humanity truly is! even Ego’s who believe in science will get self righteous about scientific fact & look down on others who believe in simple things like astrology! Its utterly ridiculous! And it comes from feeling inferior. Feeling like you must be better than someone at something or else you’re nothing.
It’s ultimately corruption & false thinking. It is why the Ego suffers!
If you are mentally or emotionally suffering it is an alert telling you that you need healing. And healing comes in various different forms! Find out which healing method works for you!
It can be acceptance, it can be magick, chakra work, or energy work, or simply having solitude, etc.
I went through times of crazy where I was obsessed with saving the world, or that I didn’t want to associate with anyone whom wasn’t “awake”. Or other similar ideas, I would snap if someone disagreed with me. But most of that was stress from the overwhelming energy that was constantly hitting me in the face & it felt like I couldn’t be a normal human being anymore. Some people need to understand that just because our behavior mimics Ego Traps doesn’t necessarily mean that the person that its coming from actually feels superior or they are reacting that they because they think they are better than anyone. This is why its so important to also in turn NOT hate the Ego!
Essentially Non-duality took me out of the Ego & showed me all of the pros & cons from being Self-less but then Satanism brought me back into the Ego & showed me all of the pros & cons of being Self-ish. Neither is better than the other. There is both good & bad in both selfish & selfless.
The Ego is the part of us that is the most ignorant. But the soul is wise. The soul will never fail you. But you cannot live from that place 24 hours a day. You cannot always have bliss moments, or good times. nor can you be a rocking & a rolling all the time. There has to be that tension. That up & down in live. That friction. Which ultimately we are all in love with it, which is called Life.
Without sad there isn’t happy. This is what I learned by experieencing the extreme ups and downs. For every up… it will be eventually followed by a down whether youre spiritual or not. This is why its so important to NOT judge. Its normal that the ego is going to do it but do you truly need to listen to everything that the ego says to you? About everyone? About everything? No.
Because if you admit to yourself about how little you actually know.. then youre willing to keep an open mind. REmember when you were going through the most ignorant times in your life… and it will help you deal with others whom are going through theirs.
Being spiritual, or logical, or scientific minded, or atheist, or the best god damn dish washer in the world doesn’t make you a better person. It means you’ve chosen to better aspects of yourself. Which is ultimately your own business. And when you begin to train others or speak out about it… your focus should be on those that are interested. It should never to change another!
But again, we have all, every single person on this planet, has fallen to this Ego trap relating to many things, spiritual, religious, and mundane wise! So don’t feel bad if you’ve found yourself there. Its okay to defend yourself. Its okay to protect what you believe in. Its okay to speak out passionately & speak about what pisses you the fuck off. Its okay to share what you would do in certain circumstances.
Its okay to argue with someone. Its okay to have a bad day & make mistakes. But all I”m saying is to watch. And know that because you make mistakes… learn from them and allow these mistakes to open your mind & heart to the fact that others will do the same.
I’m not saying to become a door mat. What to do about these situations when facing Egocentric behavior in another is of your OWN choice! But know…. that in the end its your choice to accept it or not. But be flexible.. don’t hate or judge unless its absolutely necessary.. and if it is.. then… like I always say…
It is what it is.
But always, watch your Ego. Because the Ego isn’t your true self. It is a tool to express yourself as who you are in this life now & today. If the ego is left unattended it becomes the Destroyer aspect of Kali… & then Kali herself will have to mirror your destruction back at you. Sooner or later you will have to face that mirror. But again, you have a choice. Once you see the truth you will find that there is love that surrounds both creative & destructive forces. It is easy to become lost in both. But know that you aren’t the identity you have in this life.. this identity is a tool to learn.