Rape & Narcissist Abuse Survivor–My story Explicit Pt 2


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Welcome to part two of Rape & Narcissist Abuse Survivor–My Story! I left at a very intense & important turning point of my story and we aren’t even close to The End. So hang on tight guys! It only goes down hill & back up that same hill only to come back down then up & to repeat an unimaginable times after! 

{First I must mention that I decided to write this second part because my abuser that I refer to as Lucy was heavily on my mind today. Whenever this happens, it seems I am reminded of her whenever something sparks a memory of her. Suddenly its like I dive right into this made up friendship we had & how much I miss her. I then become extremely sad that she is no longer in my life, and how I wish I could fix things. I begin feeling as if I failed her, etc. Then I become angry at her for walking away like Im nothing. It’s literally like I totally forget who she really is—I even am tempted to write her, and try to heal our “friendship”, etc, etc. Isn’t that just wild? How we truly forget who these people are and we literally have to force ourselves to remember that they really didn’t love us at all… It’s just crazy. So then I remember… and that is what made me realize I needed to write Part two of this story. So here it goes…}

I must warn everyone, this second part is much more explicit in content, alot of sexual content, alot of controversial subjects. Alot of things that could cause an upset. So beware, you’ve been warned. I wont be allowing comments on this one & will probably turn off the option on part one simply just in case. Because this is where things get really dark & really dirty and really bad. 

7b0aed23073a0ba36c74f2b24d69a6c5--recovery-postAfter the dark deed was over, I hear the water being turned off in the bathroom from the kitchen. My mind still in a dark & numb place. I pulled up my pants. And at this point my mind seems to have flipped itself into this automatic drive where something else in leading the way & it was further & further from the truth but there was this other side that wanted to flee so far away from this place & these two people. I turned to look at the husband of Lucy, and said in a joking manner, ‘Wow, you were serious about it weren’t you?”, in a semi joking tone. I didn’t know what I was saying. I didn’t know what to think. I didn’t know what to do. I was confused as all hell. And I couldn’t look at the truth or else I would have lost my sanity right then and there. 

Lucy exists the bathroom & enters her bedroom calling her husband to come into the bedroom with her. I immediately went outside to smoke a cigarette, my  hands were shaking. I was wondering what to do? I felt like I needed to do something. But I had no idea what. I didn’t have a place to go. My family & I weren’t on the greatest terms, so I didn’t want to call my Grandmother to stay with her. The only other person I knew at this point other than just a slew of more bad people was my ex-fiance whom I was in this back & forth relationship with. I didn’t want to call him but he was about the only one that I felt comfortable with to call and see if I could at least stay a night with him for the time being. I told myself I wasn’t going to tell him. I was just going to say I got into a fight with my friend, etc etc. 

Suddenly I felt dirty, shameful, and I began to feel like this was all my fault. I started to talk down to myself, I started to feel like I failed my “best friend” once again. I started to see the situation like I knew Lucy would if I were to tell her. So I vowed to myself I wouldn’t tell her. I think for whatever reason it lessened the pain & confusion by seeing it that way. This way was familiar. I felt like I was in control & like nothing happened that wasn’t outside of my own hands so my mind truly started to see it this way–on some level. I decided to call my ex but after I took a shower.

I go back inside & as I opened the door I saw Lucys husband exit the bathroom as he has just got out of the shower also & said “Goodnight” to me just before he went into the bedroom. Lucy yelled out to me “Goodnight” & I responded. I got my change of clothes & went into the bathroom to shower. Tears automatically came down my cheeks as I sobbed as quietly as I could while I took a shower to wash this off of my body, soul, and mind.

I got out of the shower, got dressed, exited the bathroom then grabbed the cordlessemily-doe-glamour-woman-year__oPt phone & went outside to call my ex. I lit my cigarette & listened to it ring. He answered. I then began a random convo with him to work my way up to asking him if I could stay a night with him. But he could tell something was wrong. And he asked me what was up. I, without even thinking or hesitating, I told him the story. word for word, action by action, the whole story. He says to me, “So youre saying he fucking raped you.” This statement being said like this jarred me, shocked me, made me feel extremely unwell. Because my mind wanted to believe the opposite. 

I said, “Um.. well I dont really want to call it that. I could have done something, right? I mean..” And he says, “But you couldn’t. You said no to him more than once. YOu said no to him that next morning when he was touching your butt, you kept looking away from him when he was looking at you through the rear view mirror. You said no to him several times when he was kissing your neck, and when he pulled your pants down and during it, you said no, correct?” I answered, “Yes…”. I was shaking when I said this. He then replies, “then you need to tell Lucy…” I said, “No! No! I can’t tell her! She wont believe me! She will say its all my fault!”, He responds, “It doesn’t matter, you need to tell her. Besides if she is going to act like that then you don’t need to live there anymore. I’m coming to get you right now. You’re going to tell you or by the time I get there, I will.” I agreed to tell her but only when he is really close to the house in case all hell broke lose. And it did…


So oddly enough I went back inside & Lucy comes out to say Goodnight to me to my face. I say to her, “I need to tell you something….and it isn’t going to be the best of news.” My heart is racing. My thoughts are screaming at me like, “why are you doing this? This isn’t going to be good at all. She isn’t going to believe you.” Anyways to keep this from having the format of a novel. I told her. And the first thing she did was she pinched her warm & asked if she was dreaming, she began to sway back as the wall caught her. I told her my ex was coming to get me. I was scared shitless. And its worthy to note that I had worded it like this, “Your husband forced himself onto me.” Except I said his name. But I was too scared to say rape. I couldn’t get myself to say it. That doesn’t mean it wasn’t, it means I didn’t want to see it that way. I wanted to pretend it wasnt that. I was used to being seen as the one who stole her boyfriends, or that males liked me more than her. I was used to being seen as this troubled sexual girl. So I was familiar with that. But even though there were many times in my head where I thoroughly tried to see it that way, it never lasted. 

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Anyways, so I walked outside and I got into my ex’s truck. And I wanted to get the fuck out of there. But he was concerned & wanted to wait to see what was going to happen with Lucy & her husband. In case she needed a place to stay also, I guess, I wasn’t thinking straight at the time. So we stayed out front in the truck for a bit. And we heard Lucy screaming & crying. But it sounded more like she was attacking him. We stayed out of it. Suddenly Lucy came outside & began apologizing to me profusely & suddenly I started to wonder, okay so does this mean she believes me? Because I know Lucy, I knew her, I knew that at some point she was going to blame me. She blamed me for things that weren’t even my fault. I was scared to death at how this was going to pan out later. 

But anyways, to make this point of the long story short, she ended up staying & I left with my ex. And he talked me into going to the cops in the early morning. He kept making me do all of these things that I really didn’t want to do. I wanted to forget about all of this! But I ended up going. And what a fucking humiliating experience! 

The cop ends up asking me questions that in my opinion shouldn’t be fucking asked. What difference does it make if I found him attractive or not?? Like fuck you dude.. seriously! I was asked alot of stupid questions and some questions I get were needed, I was examined. Then finally what seemed like the most uncomfortable hours of my life (however by far not at all those were yet to come) they finally release me. 

The cops end up going to their house to see if he was there. But he wasn’t there. 2227110984ab9aa93a3a653e363124e3--manipulators-vinThey went to the apartment I believe three times, but there was never anyone there, they said. And I wanted this to end. they also didn’t seem to interested in helping anymore after this. LIke there was nothing else that could be done. I mean, I had taken a shower before they examined me there wasn’t any physical proof of uber forceful sex.

 


But this is where I begin to have a fucking problem! I mean, why does the sex have to be uber fucking forceful or why does there need to be physical proof? Because guess what? Not every dude has a massive dick, right? Also, I wasn’t lubricated at all, and I was sore for a few days afterwards. The vagina can fucking push a massive baby out, mine did, both of my kids were huge. the largest was over 9lbs! So I mean, ya know, the vagina can take some fucking action. IT doesn’t mean it feels good however, and also, rape doesn’t have to be in a dark alleyway, nor does it have to be by someone you don’t know. 

Rape can be sex that is manipulated from you, bribed from you, taken from you even gently, but you feel frozen or intimidated into remaining quiet. I don’t even think her husband knew the truth of our own sexual background. But then again, he may have & that may have been why he did it & thought he would get away with it. Because it was extraordinary brave. I didn’t flirt with him in not one way that would have made him think I was into it. Except when I was stumbling drunk & I kissed him. But every time he attempted to do something with me there after I declined. 


The-effects-of-post-traumatic-stress-disorder-after-narcissistic-abuse-largeOh before I finish the part about the cops. I did end up going back to her house, the next morning after the night with the cops & at the hospital. I had called her first before I went to her house. And she presumed to tell me that all of my belongings were on the front porch. And that she was making me & him move out! heh. Yup. And like I understood it initially. I could get that she would be confused. But now? Fuck no. I don’t give a shit! Seriously? Make me leave also? And I doubt very seriously she ever made him leave. IF she did it was for a whole hour or she told me that because they knew the cops were looking for him. 

So, we rode out there, I picked up all my shit from her porch. There was letter there, and I honestly don’t even remember what it said. Because so much shit happened afterwards whatever she had said it beat the words in that letter. 

So essentially I had to ask my grandmother if I could move in. I had to tell her the truth of what had happened. Because the last time I lived with her we didn’t get along very well and I knew I needed to apologize & get my shit straight this time. But I felt empty. I felt horrible. I felt dead inside. I had hit rock bottom. I already felt like it was all my fault again. I had failed the friendship, etc etc. 

And things got so bad that I ended up going to a mental house because I got to a point where I wanted to kill myself. And it was my ex who took me to the crazy house. So really even though I wanted him back so badly during this time & we weren’t even really getting along. He was the only one aside from my grandmother that I had at that point. And if it weren’t for him, who knows if I would be alive today. IMG_2417-300x300

But anyways, I went to the crazy house, I met different kinds of people that really gave me a whole different perspective on things. And I ended up get on some antidepressants. I even ended up getting a job that I couldn’t get nor keep one to save my life because whenever I was around Lucy neither one of us to keep jobs. And mainly it was because of her influence. But I wont lie there were a time or two where it was mine. But mostly it was hers. Because there were more times in my life that was demanding me to work but I couldn’t keep a job or find one because of her influence. And there were very few times where that happened with her and the times that did it was never because of me it was because she just could never hold a job. 

The times I would hold one I would keep it for  along time but it was always because I was either living in another state far away from her or because we weren’t friends. I’ve always done better than I ever have whenever there was either distance between us or we weren’t friends. Whether it be job wise, or mental health wise, or just for the sake of clarity. 

 


So here I was on meds & I had a job at the good ol Waffle House. My first job in literally probably at that point 5 or 6 years. I was 21-22 I believe at this point. And while there were times I truly missed her. I was feeling better. There was one or two times where I did write her. Sent her a christmas card or whatever. I still went back & forth about the truth even to myself in my own head. I didn’t know the truth, sometimes I would, sometimes I wouldn’t. 

Well I would say it was 7 months that passed, she finally contacted me. She called me at my Grandmas house. And btw I should mention that it was at this job, Waffle House, where I met ta guy that became my husband whom I am still married to now. We met in 2004 & married in 2006 & are still together even today! That is one good thing! 🙂 

Anyways, so Lucy calls me and well I run back to her like an idiot. I accept her apology. I understand her side. Which hey, I did, and I even still do! I can understand why that would have confused someone. It confused me! But… that doesn’t mean it was okay. Especially when you take into consideration that SHE, her very self, disrespected my boundaries, and molested me for years, and ignored my attempts to make it stop, and even when it did stop, she would still make comments about my body? That kinda puts a whole other & very different spin on her side of things. Dont you think? 

But we aren’t even to the really bad turning point yet. And I am dreading it! 

Oh & not to mention, I”m sorry but if the guy I was with did that to my best friend? I probably would have been beaten to hell & back & went to jail because… over my fucking dead body! No sir! 

 


So anyways, lets move forward in time. My husband already knew this story by the way. The whole entire thing. But whenever I am focused on a decision, I stick with it. But me & Lucy slowly but surely because friends again. It had its weird kinks that I still question to this day. Like there was a time shortly after we became friends again where she said my husband was looking at her through the rear view mirror when she was sitting in the back seat. Like, really? Even tho at the time? I didn’t even question the authenticity of it. Or if she was being vengeful at all! Not even in the least! Of course it was nonsense. My husband said that never happened. 

And of course, there was a time where I invited her over, for old times sake, and in means to “make it up to her”, I said I would let her & my husband make out & her & I could do something together also. I know, I know. Fucking stupid. But that was what was fucking morbidly & weirdly disgustingly normal to us. 

But, needless to say, it didn’t last long because when we all three had a triple kiss, she grabs my husbands shirt, pulls him to her, and kisses him aggressively. And this turned me completely off. And it did him also. So much so that we couldn’t finish the night with an orgasm. I believe we faked it while she watched & she went home.

He and I talked about it and mentioned it nearly at once. And I felt on some level someone actually finally saw this part of her. That nobody ever sees & it has this disturbing thing about it. I dont know. But we both said we never wanted to do that again. And we didn’t. 

 


I did end up telling her that the aggressive kiss did make us both uncomfortable however and she didn’t really care, as usual. She took it more as a slight to her as a person. Which what the fuck ever. 

So fast forward more time.  To a time where I am not at all proud of. And this i when things became extremely dark & confusing for me. And I know it truly contoured how the “friendship” went from there & to the ending. Well, Lucy came up with this idea that she claimed would help us “both” (as if this was even remotely about her nor should it have ever been about her. She chose to remain involve by staying with him. but whatever.) this would help us both to regain our power back. The idea was to have a threesome with her husband….

Yup. This was an actual suggestion made to me by my supposed best friend whom stayed with her rapist husband only because in reality she never believed me anyways, because she was doing it to me too. And I know I am sounding like such a fucking victim who isn’t taking responsibility for anything. But thats what the fuck I was trying to do for YEARS! But I kept coming back to the fact of where all of this truly started. And how things have panned out over the years, and each shitty decision I made was because I blamed myself! It was never because I saw myself as a victim. It was because I thought I owed everything that I was doing to her. I truly believed that. 

But now? I see it as I was a victim but I didn’t even know it. I thought I was doing the right thing. I thought I was doing what she wanted me to do and that it somehow showed her that I wasn’t this shitty person anymore. Because also to make clear… she did tell me, before this threesome idea, that I deserved the rape. And she called it rape. She said I deserved it. She said that “any woman in her right mind should know that rape is coming if she wears a mini skit & is walking down a dark alley ESPECIALLY if there are Mexicans nearby!” 

First point none of that happened. Second point the fact that she says that proves that even if that had happened to me and that is blatant rape.. she wouldn’t have cared. 


So, I, unfortunately agree to this threesome. I wont go into the details of it but I will say it ended like our threesomes in the past always ended which was always her watching, pleasuring herself while the guy & I are together. Was I happy? NO. Was I having fun? No. During the entire time I asked myself why was I doing it. And it happened more than once. In fact they asked me to move in with them. And it became a regular thing. Because my husband & I had broke up and were separated for a time so I ended up moving in with them again. 

But I felt like I for whatever reason was paying off some kind of dept with her by doing it. I don’t know. I couldn’t tell you why I was doing it. It became so that I was numb in my head & wasn’t thinking of anything when it would happen. And it happened alot for a few months. But then I ended up dating someone & I used that for a reason to stop. And They both ended up getting annoyed by this. There was a time where we three smoked some weed together, and Lucy & her husband began making out. And they looked at me and asked me to join. I said No several times. And they didn’t give a rats ass, and they fucked right on the couch right next to me while they were both staring at me like they really wanted me to be in the situation or else it wasn’t fun. I ignored them like they weren’t in the room. 

At that point? That was when the truth started to finally come into my stupid fucking head. Like I literally told them both No, I wasn’t in the mood, even said I didn’t feel good. And they literally ignored me, but made out with each other gazing at me, saying my name, couldn’t keep their eyes off of me, while they fucked on the couch literally a foot away from me. Finally, her husband stopped Lucy, since she was on top of him, and he said he needed to go to bed. So apparently he was either pissed or felt it was wrong or something. And she got mad at him. And they both left me alone for a while. And finally I could breathe as they went to their bedroom.

(I have to interrupt myself—This situation, is literally, the only thing that they both did to me that I did bring up to her years & years later when all of that mess wasn’t going on anymore but other stuff was… and she couldn’t even look me in the face. Thats the most sincere of an apology I’ve ever gotten from her, and she didn’t apologize that day but she had before but I never bought it. But this was different.)

 


Part three will come soon. This part was and is very hard for ke to post. But i know I need to. It was hard for me to type all of that. Very disturbing & unbelievable that I even did all of that and thought I owed it.

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